A Blog By Me

My mother and a very little ballerina, age presumed to be around 9 months, possibly a little older, I was put into foster care shortly after this photo was taken.

My Aunt Maria gave me this photo during my grandfathers funeral. Proof that I actually was a little thing at one point. My mother had the same haircut pretty much up until the last few months of her life, she chopped off all her hair shortly before she died…. I was a chubby lil fucker, no?

1:44 PM John: bagel fetched

me: i need to eat again

John: munch a buncha

me: i have nothing tho

bummer

gonna have to wait

1:45 PM John: sucks

1:46 PM me: fuck it

just orders a salaaaad

1:47 PM John: cooooool

w/meat or no?

1:48 PM me: chix Cesar

John: good stuff

me: yuppa

1:51 PM John: where did ya order it from?

me: kaites

John: cool

1:52 PM i need a distraction

1:53 PM me: ummmmmmmmmm

may i suggest

some porn?

John: nah, @ work

what i mean is

1:54 PM

a female distraction

me: oh

well

cant help u there

John: i know

1:55 PM just putting it out there in general

1:56 PM perhaps something will present itself

(or not)

me: eh

ehhhh

eh

eh?

1:57 PM John: can’t look 4 it, that’s 4 sure

me: i have no advice for the situation

and even if i did

you really shouldn’t listen to it

John: LOL

no worries

1:58 PM i usually just kinda stumble into such things, anyways

1:59 PM me: eh

ditto

John: nods

me: mmm lunch
me: john

think about it

2:06 PM do you really want a gf?

we’re a total pain in the ass

well i am n e how

John: yeah, but your def. of a GF is diff anyways

me: how so?

2:07 PM John: sex & a little companionship, but nothing deeper, it would seem

me: eh

ya thats pretty much it

John: nods

2:08 PM i don’t necessarily want a GF per se

me: you wanna hooker?

John: but rather someone to be with

me: JK

John: i know

me: i duno

John: fuck the relationship labels

i’m over that

2:09 PM me: it seems that everyone is so preoccupied w trying to find the right person to spend their lives w

they get caught up in the search and really miss out on what lifes all about

sex

drugs

and drinking

John: LMAO

me: and sometimes anal beads

2:10 PM John: whatever floats your boat munchkin

me: haha

well

look at it this way

you have a very healthy out look on the whole concept

no labels n what not

John: guess so

it just doesn’t make sense to try & fit that inside a box

2:11 PM i’d rather just hang out w/someone

free of all that expectation & bullshit

2:12 PM maybe that’s why i haven’t come across anyone in a while

everybody else is looking for the opposite

me: nods

i have a feeling that you are going to be ok

John: fucking collective ego clusterfuck

prolly so

2:13 PM me: ooookaaaay

2:14 PM on a related note

2:15 PM

John: yes…?

me: um…B**’s one of the most negative pple I have met in a really long time

2:16 PM he makes me look like Mrs. Happy fucking Sunshine

John: LMAO

that bad?

me: nods like, everyone tells me I’m angry n shit

this dude puts me to shame

2:17 PM John: doesn’t sound vy healthy

me: We’ll see

I actually think it’s kinda funny

Bc I know life doesn’t suck all the bad

Most of the time. You know?

2:18 PM John: c - i know that u have this wisdom

but there r those who do not

(like him, it sounds)

me: It’s not wisdom, it’s fucking common sense dude

John: wisdom & common sense r the same thing honey

i learned that a long time ago

me: um

no their not

2:19 PM i beg to differ

like

common sense tells me that having sex w some guy I pick up at the Bird is a bad idea

John: yeah they r

2:20 PM me: but i do it n e way

John: u just choose to ignore it sometimes

just b/c u have wisdom doesn’t mean u’ll necessarily act on it all the time

that goes 4 me & everyone else too

2:22 PM they’re both based in intelligence, not the mind

same thing - different labels

2:23 PM me: eh, you say tomato

i say…

John: HAHAHA

2:24 PM me: or some shit like that

John: variations on the same theme

me: my heart burns back

but no

John: uh oh

2:25 PM me: you’re wrong and i am right

so fuck you very much

John: gotta love those staunch mental positions

me: the diff between common sense and wisdom is 50 bucks to post your bail

oh fuck you!

John: LMAO

clapping

2:26 PM me: dude, no joke

John: we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one

2:27 PM me: ok

but you’re still wrong

John: oh shut the fuck up

Since high school, what started out as a mindless thing to do on a Tuesday night with four friends, has grown to a 6 hour time sensitive night of stealing, debauchery, and misdemeanors with ten people, five teams and a ‘pot o’ gold’. Actually it’s actually ten twenty somethings and thirty somethings acting like we’re 17 again and trying not to get caught.

Cast of Contenders

Shane, Me

Josh, Will

Adam, Brad

Drew, John (Not you JU)

Matt, Sean

Listed in their respective teams.

This is how it works. Everyone tosses twenty bucks into the pot, if a team member, or a team, like last year, gets arrested (we all ended up in jail before midnite in three diffrent towns. Not a good night. 8 people last year….) The pots broken for bail, and whom ever gets bailed out, has to double the pot. There was a reason why we went from tossing 5 bucks in the pot to 20 bucks. Bailing out 8, not 10 people on a bad night is kinda expensive…..

k, the list is compiled by all ten people a couple days before the actual scavenger hunt. Also, each person has a ‘mission’. We each pull someones name out of a hat and create a ‘mission’ to be done for X amount of points. Simple, whichever team gets the most points, not the most crap, wins the pot. Because of this stupid little rule, this year there was a lot of people (Matt n Sean) fucking with other teams. Whatever.

K, so Shane’s mission was to get a piece of the Provincetown Monument. (got it, 300 pts)

Mine was originally to get my tit signed by my old recruiter. I had an issue with this so it got changed to getting my stomached John Handcocked by a cop. (got it, worth 200 pts)

Josh had to get a Norwegian flag (he actually got it, worth about 200 pts)

Will had to get a toilet paper roll signed by his old high school principle, in chartreuse ink (didn’t get it, worth 150 pts)

Adam’s mission was to go into four different hair salons and get ’specimens’. (He got 2 out of 4, each lock of hair was worth 25 pts)

Brad had to get a speeding ticket, and he actually achieved it. (300 pts)

Drew needed to find street signs with all the Beatles names. John, Paul, George, and since Ringo was going to be a total wash, gave him Richard. (each sign was worth 40 pts each, he got 3 out of 4, oh and he had to put them back too.)

John’s mission was to collect a pound and a half of lint from one of the laundry mats here. (200 max points, 120 if unweighed, 120 pts achieved)

Matt had to get a dinner plate, an appetizer plate, a tea mug a fork and a butter knife from one of the Chinese restaurants here. (400 pts total, he got everything except for the butter knife. And was supposedly chased out of the restaurant. Supposedly.)

Sean had to get the lid off a dumpster. (150 pts, he got it)
There are 60 items on the list, but, I’m not going to list all of them, but here are the ones that were worth the most points, and the hardest to get. Also, we couldn’t buy anything on the list. Not that I don’t think anyone didn’t, you’re just not suppose to.

1. 8 reflectors that are stuck into the middle of the fucking road on the yellow lines. (Did not have fun getting those) 10 pts each

2. Wheelchair (one team went to one of the hospitals, we just went to a fire department) worth 300 pts

3. A vanity plate. (300 pts) (got it, I have a friend who’s got a vanity, we just called em up and asked to ‘borrow’ one for the night. Was returned before the next day)

4. A hood ornament from a ‘late model Mercedes’. 150 pts (my brother’s benz is now missing one)

5. Cellophane wrapper from a homeless man. 5 pts (w lint, 15 pts)

6. Fire extinguisher (100 pts)

7. Evac’ sign (500 pts)

8. A mile marker with an even number (150 pts)

9. A calling card used by a brunette, or by a person with green eyes (60 pts)

10. A picnic table from one of the state forests……(100 pts)

11. Potted whiskey barrels from a random main st on Cape. (400 pts) (were very heavy and dirty)

12. X mas bulbs from a library’s front hedges. 5 white, 6 red, and 2 green. (35 pts each)

13. A saw horse (150 pts)

14. An orange and red lamp shade with elephants on it. (was worth 15 pts, but we all felt as if this was a must have. The only team that got it had the dick head (Adam) who put it on the list, it was at his mothers house)

15. 5 door knobs (115 pts total)

Obviously, I’m not going to put down the whole list…….So, we all met up at one location, which this year was Adam’s aunt Marie’s house, with our 20 bucks, and split, we had to meet up back at the house by midnight, or until a team gets the max amount of points which was 2,500.

Shane and I decided to get our missions out of the way first, so we started at one end of the Cape and worked our way back.

P-Town monument, check

Walk into one of the Outer Cape PD, ask for a friend of my Dads, make small talk with him, then ask very politely for him to sign his name on my tummy, laughing he obliges.

Me dad’s got a fire extinguisher at his house, swing by there, and lo and behold, in the drive way across the street is a saw horse. In the car it goes. Get to daddy’s, get the fire extinguisher, and ask to borrow the truck. Promise a million times over we’re just going out into the Punkhorns, and nothing bad will happen to his precious truck. And off we go.

Around 21:00 Shane and I are standing in the middle of a pitch black, both with hammers ripping up the reflectors in the road, toss em in the bag, get in the truck, and put it in gear. And nothing happens. Gas it. Nothing. Gas it again. Nothing happens except for the wheels spinning in place in Lake fucking Superior of the mud puddle I parked in. Rock the truck back and forth, try to get some traction, tired manage to grip and slowly become dislodged from the unholy pile of stinking road side shit. Slam down the gas one more time and somehow find the front panel of my fathers Ford Ranger wrapped quite snugly around a sapling.

Look at Shane, who’s out of the truck and standing in the mire.

“Maybe he won’t notice?” I ask

“Angry, he’s gonna notice….”

“Well, how bad is it?”

“I think he may try to kill you….”

Great.

So, after what seemed like an hour of trying to come up with a pretty good lie as to how I somehow managed to put yet again, another dent in my fathers vehicle, we decide that when we return the truck, I’ll just park it at an angle and not answer my phone for the next decade.

To be continued…..(my fingers are getting stiff…god damn RA)

On occasion, I do something, or in this case, it’s plural, so insanely stupid, I even astound myself. Kinda hard considering I’m the asshole who sets the bar for this type of shit

See memory 149

Jr year of High School I decided to see what really would happen if I decided to mix Oxycontin with Perkies.

See memory 150

Getting stomach pumped

See memory 164

Doing it again the next weekend

And, since then, and many trips to the E.R and many more tummy pumps, and Narcan doses, and nights wandering around not knowing where the fuck I was in the back woods of Truro, I took that wild child, beat her repeatedly over the head with a baseball bat, and stuffed her in the trunk of a Buick Skylark. But, as stated, on occasion, she somehow manages to tear the duct tape binding her legs and hands, somehow gets out of the trunk, and runs amok on good ol’ Cape Cod.

See memory 7,908

This past week

See lesson 6

Alcohol is not my friend. As much as I want it to be my friend, we just don’t play nice. As much as I want to have little tea parties with a growler of beer, and a bottle of red wine, and a fifth of jack, it doesn’t want to play nice with me. However, the men and I do..

See lesson 8

Black out drunk sex is still sex, regardless of the people involved.

However, if there is no alcohol involved, then it’s just shitty shitty sex where the dude can’t get it up for the life of him and keeps begging for a blow job.

So, between getting aquainted with the bottom of the bottle (yet again) and bed hopping, I had to take some time and kick my own ass back into gear. Really, I’ve got bruises on my bony lil ass. Actually, their from falling in the shower about 20 minutes ago, but I’ve learned my lesson.

Kinda

Sorta

Not really

Ok, so, lemme look on the bright side, I didn’t fall off the wagon, and all parties involved have full dental, so lets let it go for now, shall we?

Ok, not so much.

I’m irresponsible, a terrible drunk, (not to mention kinda mean) selfish, ummm….Oh, I can’t forget psychotic, a slut, aaaaaand….Um…Oh, ‘The prettiest train wreck this side of the Sagamore”

(Ty S.)

So, ladies and gents, there you have it, the reason why I have been MIA. I’ve been drunk, fucked, and remorseful for the past week

Hey, at least I didn’t kill anyone, right?

Fottere questa merda………………I guess I’m a little too good at what I do…….. goin’ away…Be good n take care n shit…. Life’s pretty fuckin’ short.

Oh pretty baby!!! God I need another pill, have a good one people, will post on Monday when I gots me some time to do nothing. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a bunch of crap I have to return that was stolen during Savager Hunt 07 last night…..(We didn’t end up in jail this year, was fruitful..aside from the dent I put in a certain fathers truck……)

Funny when you see someone from another time and another place and for that split second your that old person you once were, comes back full force and you realize how bad things could have gone, and there really isn’t anything such as luck or chance, everything really does happen for a reason….End of conversation theres nothing left but pity for the second party that didn’t get out when they had the chance, and maybe a sick sense of envy for that persons ability to stay that selfish and callous, too bad it’s not as hard as everyone says it is by walking away from someone like that..Guess I’m starting to finally get comfortable with the life that I now have, and I guess I’m finally learning how to move the fuck on from it all..
.

Life is way the fuck short to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, it’s also too short to figure it out before it’s almost too late. With that in mind, I plan on fucking, drinking and speeding my way though this shit until I eventually get it right. Or I die, either way, can’t say I never tried.

Or something like that.

Nancy you fucking suck, what the fuckitty fuck fuck? My hands a cold today…..

“Why don’t you write about me?” Says he

“Huh?” I really don’t know what he’s talking about, not exactly pillow talk……..

“On your blog…Why don’t you write about me?”

There, I just did.

I just found a note in one of my catalogs here at work that says

‘Happiness is a warm gun’

Almost as cool as the fortune cookie I once got that said

‘You will get a fortune’  

My loverly Freida Bee hit me up, so here we go….(hope this is all you wanted and more love)

1. I am terrified of the dark. I have been since I was little. My friends (and myself) joke about the branch of the military I was in should have taken care of this little problem, but alas it didn’t. However, I can’t stand to have any lights on, I need the dark in order to get my 3-5 hours of sleep at night.

2. I check the police and fire logs as well as the court reports on the capecodtimes everyday for people I know. Usually, there’s a person I know in there. Thats how I keep tabs on friends and family members.

3. I’m highly non confrontational. I will avoid at fight at all cost and will always attempt to talk myself out of a situation before running. I don’t like being put in a position where my temper can get out of control. I have a terrible temper.

4. Pet peeves

a) Tardiness. When I was a little girl I would drag a stool from the kitchen to the front door and wait for my Biological Father and Lovey Bro for our visits. More often than not, they would never show up. And if they did, it was hours late. People being late is a huge trigger for me. In those situations, it’s hard for me to control my temper. My friends know this and are always ten to fifteen minutes early if we have plans. They had to learn that the hard way.

b) Women who wear mascara to funerals. Lady, you know you’re gonna cry, why bother? This isn’t a beauty pageant, leave the Cover Girl at home.

c) So called Music Snobs.

Get off your fucking high horse already. If Indie was not main stream then it wouldn’t be cool. Shut up about Yeah Yeah Yeah already and gimme some Buckcherry.

5. Things that make me happy in everyday life:

(When I could ) Cracking my joints,

Bare, dead trees against a clear blue sky,

coffee and ciggies,

the smell of basements and gasoline,

working ten hours and leaving work knowing I just fucked Boss Man for payroll

6. Men with beards remind me of my (adopted) dad (He has a beard) . And they make me sad. I’m a daddys girl..My dad isn’t well and hasn’t been well for the past several years..Whenever I see a man with a beard I have to call my Dad. He told me recently when he hears ‘Wild Horses’ he has to call me. I heard it on the radio the other day, and he called about ten minutes later. He makes me happy.

7. I am easily influenced by the music I listen to. I can’t listen to anything too depressing or I go into a tailspin for days and can’t bring myself out of it. Angry music makes me happy, and gets me moving.

8. I have been in love with Harrison Ford since I was a little girl. This is one dirty little secret I will gladly take to my grave…Hmmm Harrison Ford…Want to fuck….

9. I have rules in regards to the opposite sex in which I stick to religiously. They are

1. Never call. If they want you, they will come to you.

2. Don’t kill in your safe zone. Meaning, guys don’t come over. Your home is your castle, no need to incorporate emotions into an otherwise neutral place.

3. Do not date or marry any man. (this rule has been broken over and over and over, so it’s not really a rule anymore, I need to change it)

4. Leave before 6 am. Mostly due to the whole morning breath thing. I hate morning breath…

5. No meeting friends for the first 4 months. After they make it past the four month mark, then my friends give me the thumbs up or down. Until they get to 4 months, they care considered ‘toys’.

6. No meeting family for the first 6 months. After the friends give me the go ahead, they get another 2 months to a)figure out that I am a total fucking lunatic and bolt for the hills and b) gives me time to figure out if I am going to be humiliated by this retard when I introduce them to me mum n dad.

10. While I am profoundly Pro-Choice, I do not believe in contraceptive methods such as the pill or the shot. I don’t think it’s healthy to ingest or otherwise place hormones and chemicals in a womans body to regulate her cycle. Condoms condoms condoms.

And with that, I shall tag the following, Liberality, Geoff, Johnny Utah, and Mindy.

Hope to it assholes. And it better be fuckin’ good.