A Blog By Me

Am I the only one who thinks Huckadouche looks like a really bad mesh between Kevin Spacey and Nixon?

Anyone?

Dude, no joke: if I have to hear the whole why do chicks like assholes/nice guys finish last type complaint one more time, I’m gonna give myself a mastectomy. What a bloody whine fest.

You wanna know why nice guys finish last? Because you’re fucking soft - that’s why.

Jesus, y’all are worse than chicks. You finished last because
you didn’t fucking fight hard enough when we walked away in the first place (F.B.A.L.).

And the reason we walked away is because

you were entirely too submissive
you were entirely too predictable (C.B.T.)

Being respectful is one thing, but when it boils down to how the night will end, something’s gotta give. Predictability is just boring. Safe but boring. Chicks like a challenge, just like guys. If you’re 32 years old and politely ask a 22 year old woman why it’s so hard finding a GF, it’s probably you - not them.

Women are a lot like raccoons. We like shiny fun things.

Has anyone ever read Where the Red Fern Grows? (Please note, this is one of my all-time favorite books so if you knock it, I’ll fuck your son/husband/boyfriend purely out of spite) There’s a part where Billy makes a raccoon trap from a hollow log and nails. He sticks a piece of aluminum foil in a hole, and hammers exposed nails in at an angle. When the raccoon reaches for the foil, its hand is in a fist, and becomes stuck inside the hole. Trapped by it’s own curiosity, the coon sits on the log, hissing and screaming until someone comes along and clubs it to death.

Same goes for women. We like assholes (they actually kinda resemble shiny pieces of foil) and are curious about a relationship with them. Big surprise, we soon discover it hurts like all hell and probably won’t end well either. Nevertheless, we keep hanging on. And in the end, someone calls HAZMAT to clean our splattered brains off the floor and upholstery because we got mauled with the proverbial baseball bat.

Make sense?

When you get so caught up in trying not to be a douchebag, you suddenly become boring. That’s when we move on to something more shiny. Women aren’t stupid, and neither are men. In the course of a five or ten-minute conversation (for me a sliding scale), a guy can go from

One night stand (Meat)

to possibly

2. Phone number (Grade A Meat)

I’m willing to bet guys also do the same thing to women.

Oh, and there’s no such thing as a nice guy, just like there are no sane chicks. You nice guys blame us psychos for having you’re hearts trampled, and your lives turned upside down. Ever fucking think for one fucking second that we weren’t born crazy?

You fucking made us this way.

Just like we made nice guys assholes.

I repeat, there is no such thing as a nice guy.

Please note that I am neither bitter, jaded, nor cynical. There are decent guys, just like there are cool chicks. But somewhere in their tiny little brains is a total and complete asshole waiting to come out (for whatever reason). Just like there is a total fucking lunatic lurking in the back of every chick’s heart waiting to slash tires, throw cell phones, and change doorlocks on houses.

Granted, there are some major exceptions to the rule - myself included.

There’s a great saying that I love:

“Men are like tile - you lay ‘em right once, and you can walk all over them.”

Simply put, there’s a big difference between being considerate, kind and loving, versus lazy, too casual and spineless.

Grow some fucking balls, for once.

In my own little corner of the world, shits pretty unhappy too. I’m going on UNPAID vacation very soon, I have rent that needs to be paid, a car payment, dr bills, a heart broken RoomMate (who is still MIA) a crazy family, and a cat that’s in heat.

In the BIG world, we’ve got riots, suicide bombers, oh, can’t forget the gas prices, that big scary word ‘NUKE’ and big wigs trying to cover up an assassination.

And people wonder why I drink so much. (They really do)

So, here’s some interesting news.

An ancient pyramid was discovered.

APOD

and a pic of my home town of Truro…

(I think this image is less than a mile away from the house I grew up in…)

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a bottle of wine that has my name written all over it.

That was a terrible and unintended pun. Sorry.

So, I get up this morning, with a full on hangover, make my java, open up my mac, and log onto Huff.

Happy New Year indeed.

I remember me mum n dad talking about her several months ago, well, not really talking, more like arguing amongst themselves like little crows nit picking at the world issues like it’s going to make some sort of a difference coming from us lowly little people of the world……

Seems everyone is screaming for world peace, the end of world hunger, the end of political corruption, etc…It’s kinda hard to achieve any of this when everyone is running around fucking killing everyone….

And the ones who deserve to be knocked off still hold power, and jerk off to it every night and are pretty much jizzing in the face of the people they are suppose to be serving.

This post is going to be pretty abstract with little holding examples, sorry if this shit seems vague…..

I found out before X Mas that an old friend of mine is expecting her second child.

Why fuckin’ get excited about this shit these days when the world is going to hell anyhow?

OUr government stopped being in play for the people years and years ago when they started caring more about dollar signs than the general health of the people. The overseas governments are almost as bad, and are retaliating against us for pulling rank for cash.

This shits not going to end anything soon, so we better get use to it.

Personally, I really don’t like taking it up the ass, from someone I know, or someone who was ‘voted’ in. Here, Merry fuckin’ Christmas, here’s like 70 fuckin’ billion to fund more legalized murder. Um, can I have my taxes back please? I really don’t like where my money is going. God, I can’t believe that people actually wonder why the economy is headed south, along with everything else in the fucking world.

I’m going to remain drunk until this shit stops, and I can drive down the road on my way to work in the morning and think.

‘God one of these days, someone’s gonna bomb the fucking hell outta us, and the whole world is gonna cheer them on while eating popcorn….’

We are so so so so so so so so so fucked.

And not in the happy, I-need-a ciggy-after-that-romp type of way. I’m suppose to be going out of town, hell outta the fuckin’ state for warmer places soon, and I’m actually fuckin’ worried about getting on a fucking plane.

Congrats Admin, you have officially made me fucking scared to live my ‘free’ life. You have made me scared when I talk on the phone, you have made me scared when I google words to do look ups for these posts, you have made me scared when I talk on Skype. They say freedom is not free, support the troops. I support the troops, but who the fuck is supporting me??

We’re vulnerable, we’re hated. These two combo’s have never jived well, and never will. This ‘war’ is fucking pointless, and no one in power cares about us.

When I was a late teen, I became very very sick. I was with Ex at the time, and I begged him not to leave me. I had a temp well over 102, and I needed medical help. He had to do something for ‘work’. He brushed my hair out of my eyes, and called me an ambulance and left before the bus arrived. When the medics got to the house, I was unconscious. They had to break down the door to get inside.

That’s how I feel right now. The balls n cocks of this world don’t give flying fuck about the people anymore, their too focused on money they will drop kick anyone and everyone who gets in their way.

That’s enough for now, I need another drink.

True- I spent X Mas eve getting totally inebriated and had some really shitty sex.

More fault of my own more than his….

False- By falling off the wagon, John, one needs to be on said bandwagon, and I, am not. So, I didn’t fall off any wagon.

True- I am still drunk.

True- I am at work.

False- I am not driving hope.

wait, TRUE! I AM NOT driving home.

Or is it false?

False, I am…fucked………….

True- I got like 30 some odd pairs of socks.

False- I called my Gran drunk at four am.

FALSE FALSE FALSE.

By 4 am, I was passed out.

That is all I’ve got for now, I’m now going to try and spell check this shit….Thank God for squggly red lines…I spelled squiggly wrong.

Go figure.

I am not feeling the holiday spirit. Still.
My mother calls me last night.

‘So, I was thinking you would come with me to Grammies on Christmas Eve.‘

‘Ehhhhhhhhh, I duno…I was kinda hoping to be alone..’

‘Like hell you are, you don’t know if this is going to be Grammies last Christmas or not, you’re going. You pull this grinch shit every year.’

I love how she’s playing the whole ‘You’re-86-year-old-Gran- may-be-dead-next-year- this-is-your-obligation-to-go’ card.

I wasn’t feeling the conversation to say the least. To the point where I was starting to rummage around in my sock drawer for something to crush up my painkillers into a fine powder.

My mother brings out the best in me.

‘Everyones going this year, you’re cousins are all going to be there, Jessie’s home too, I’m sure he’s going to want to see you.’

Bitch is playing all her wild cards on this conversation. My cousin Jessie was close with Ex and I. Needless to say, now I really don’t want to go.

And say as much.

‘Look Angry, just because you’re unhappy doesn’t mean that you have to make everyone else that way.’

‘Who the fuck said I was unhappy?’

‘You pull this shit every year, you mope, you hide, or you spend the entire day drunk, and it’s bullshit.’

‘I do not spend the entire day drunk. Last year I was sober.’

‘No you weren’t, you threw up!’

I had the flu.

Mom was convinced that just because for the last four years in a row I’ve hidden in my old room with a bottle of vodka it means I was drunk.

I had the flu.

My mother and I argue while I’m still looking for something to crush up my pills with, and then in her typical fashion, she hangs up on me.

Continue on my little quest, and then my father calls me

‘Angry, come to Christmas.’

‘No.’

I’ve now torn all the crap out of my sock drawer when it occurs to me to just use a fuckin’ butter knife.

‘Why not? Look, I’m going to be alone, so is your mother, why don’t we all take a trip up to Boston and not be alone?’

Walk into the kitchen and rip open the silverware drawer.

‘What, are you doing dishes? But really honey, this is the time you spend with family, you need to come.’

‘Yea, Dad that was the most retarded pep talk I have ever heard, I’m not going, I wanna be alone. God, why don’t you and Mom just goo up and pretend like everyones happy and shit like you always do? It’s not like no one knows how much you two hate each other.’

‘God Angry, you’re such a bitch. Fine, don’t to Boston, hope you have a nice Christmas. Alone.‘

Click.

Then Lovey Bro calls me.

‘What are you doing for Christmas?’

Have now found that I still have the skills I use to when it comes to crushing up pills.

‘Nothing, sleeping.’

Have finished up with my little project and now am rummaging around for a straw or a dollar bill.

‘You’re not going to be with your Mom and Dad?’

‘Nope.’

Have found three quarters and a piece of lint in my wallet, not bills. Start to tear up an envelope when I see RoomMates cat on the table standing in my little white mound of snow.

‘DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK! MOVE! GIT! GO!’

The cat walked right through my therapy.

All gone.

‘What the fuck are you yelling at? And why aren’t you gonna be with your mum and dad?’

‘Jesus, fucking nothing, and honestly? They aggravate me, their both fucking miserable people, they make me feel more miserable, and I’m sick of everyone telling me that just because it’s Christ’s birthday I need to see my family. It’s fucking stupid.’

‘Wow, you’re a fucking bitch.’

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a fuck you.

I still haven’t gone X mas shopping…..Craaaaaaaaaap. Time to brave the Mall w John………..Shoot me…..

I know this post may sound pretty cold, even coming from me, but please bear with me here. Considering most of you are old enough to be my parents, and some have kids of your own, I’ll say sorry or whatever in advance, mmm K?

1. I’m sorry, but I can’t help but see more and more teens having kids, even people my age, And yes, we’re still kids.

2. I know I’m not the smartest person on the planet when it comes to using contraceptives. Yet I also don’t know if I’m like a rare breed or anything, but if ’something happens’ everything suddenly stops until I get a morning after pill. It’s available, and is part of a system designed to help girls not get knocked up. Excuse me for seeing the world though rose colored glasses, but I’m don’t just mean the ‘underprivileged’ ones, I mean girls from middle class suburban backgrounds having unprotected sex and then getting pregnant. Like, have you never heard of Plan B? Did Mommy ever tell you about that? Because she obviously didn’t mention these things called condoms.

3. Abortions suck. A lot. I’m kinda baring it all right now in saying I know this first hand.

I know how much it sucks to be young, immature and scared shitless when you see that home pregnancy test come out positive.

Your whole world stops and fades out. The only thing you hear is your own ragged breathing.

Then you have to deal with the what ifs….personally, I would rather deal with those than a child and all that responsibility before I was ready.

Just because your body is capable of creating a life doesn’t mean you are ready mentally.

My mother once told me that everything starts to make sense once you have kids. Sure, okay, I’ll agree with her on this, but you have to be ready. Teenagers and early 20-somethings are not ready for parental clarity.

I consider that choice every time I see a small child. Every December 20th, I ask myself if I made the right choice. As selfish as it sounds, I know I did. My life would be vastly different from what it is today if I had that baby. I more than likely wouldn’t be an EMT. I’d also more than likely be living with my parents. And I know for sure that I’d resent the child for my decision.

No child should grow up knowing they were a mistake. I suspect it’s almost worse than not growing up at all…

Having an abortion hurts for a lifetime. I don’t know what would be worse though: being a young single mother, or living with a choice like this.

I view it as a blessing that I saved three lives a lot of pain and confusion - nine, the child’s and the father’s.

I pity the young mothers who I see, but also feel a little pissed off. Like, it’s called a condom, the pill, the shot or, if all else fails, yea, a fucking abortion. It’s a nasty, shitty thing to endure, but women didn’t wage a legal war for years to have this right for nothing.

This is not a black and white topic. There’s a lot of gray, and I can’t stress enough about the decision itself being heart wrenching. It’s almost as difficult when you pass what would have been the baby’s first several birthdays too.

But it wouldn’t be nearly as painful if you WORE A CONDOM.

Hey, who wrote the piece on teen pregnancy rates? I can’t remember…..

Um, yea.