A Blog By Me

So, Fugly-Ears-Spears will hopefully be off the radar, and out of the news, for a couple days, I doubt it, and I find it a little ironic that China manufactures RU-486 (the abortion pill). Does anyone else find the irony in this aside from me? Anyone? No? Ok.

Oh, right.

1. You’re getting fat. Lose some fucking weight.

2. How about you be a little more productive? I’m seriously about to fucking explode.

3. You are a lazy insensitive fuck, and egotistical at that.

(please note, the above listyrantness is not related to Fugly-Ears-Spears)

(update) In other news, I am going to Germany, because, like the Japanese, they got their shit together. Like, NAKED FLIGHTS.

Oh, hello Evil German penis, I’m the worlds worst Jew, nice to meet you. Mind if I bite you off?

See my ulterior motive here???

Cool technology aside, they seem to be a little more in touch with how people are, period. They know, aside from deaths, and maternity leave, breaking up with someone is devastating. In turn, a Japanese firm is offering paid leave, based on age, to their employees. I find this fucking awesome for a couple reasons.

1. They acknowledge the fact that younger people, such as twenty somethings, tend to bounce back faster than older women.

2. They know that whats good for their employees is good for the company. And they put their money where their mouth is and act on it. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to make up some pathetic excuse because I got dumped, or more recently, had to end a relationship. (If you even want to call it that.) I simply can’t call up Boss Man and say

‘Dude, I just got my ass dumped, can I come in on Thursday?’

On a Monday night.

Well, I have, and it worked that one time, but the next five zillion times I’ve tried, he told he to stop being a slut and get my ass to work. (He’s of the notion, ‘If you keep her mind off it, she’ll be fine’ and gives me a million projects to do, somehow, thats his way of caring. And bringing me smoothies with a penis straw.)

Oh, and the fact that they give them time to go shopping? Dude, sweeeeeeet.

Ending a relationship is a loss, like any other. You need time to heal. Some people work well with throwing themselves into their career, others need an extended amount of time to wallow, eat bon bons, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s  and break shit.

Not that I condone getting fat because you broke up.

Please excuse the rather unannounced and abrupt hiatus. I’m not in jail, rehab or a psych ward. I’m on vacation. And by that I mean 2.5 weeks of unpaid leave (Thank God).
I’ve finally come to a realization. Well, maybe it’s more of a conclusion. Either way, it could very well be related to my isolated geography here on Cape Cod.
Seems like less and less people are getting married these days. Conversely, more people are having kids and end up doing the companion living scenario. I honestly don’t know if it’s a fad that’s been…umm…shall we say glorified by Hollywood or not.

Please refer to Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt and Nicole Richie/What’s-his-face Madden.

Is marriage really becoming obsolete?
I notice this everyday here and find it both sad and disturbing (Please note, I’m actually quite old fashioned: marriage before children, career before either - the usual stepping stones).

Getting married has both financial advantages and disadvantages, as does staying single. If you get hitched then suddenly have to divorce, it precipitates a potentially long and painful separation process (which happens to both the bank account and the heart).

Whereas, some people find it easier to just jump ship. Keep in mind this is all based on my own personal observation of family (POS brother) and friends (who shall remain anonymous - you’re welcome Mike).

The message I’m getting is this: if you have a family out of wedlock, you’re basically settling for that person until someone better comes along (just my own humble opinion, please don’t attack me for it). There are of course exceptions to this, but you get the idea.

When I shared my viewpoint with a friend (oh, foot, how you love my mouth) who has a small child and lives with the baby mama, he gave me a Honey, that topic’s a bit over your head type look and said the following:
“Well, since you put it that way, why not just go ahead and say I don’t love her enough for marriage at all.”

Yea, well - when you put it that way…

Except this ones a memory. I’m standing at the sink, Ex and I just had a knock down drag out, it was actually pretty bad, we both were pretty bloody…Hear him come up behind me, and grab a mug to throw at him. (All the plates were out of reach)

“Angry, DON’T”

See what he’s pointing at me. And I don’t.

And all I hear is the two of us breathing.

The memory and the dream are exactly the same, I’ve been having it for the past three days…..And I really don’t think it’s because I’m eating before I go to bed. (I stopped that when I started getting heartburn in the morning)

I don’t know why I posted this.

I will be posting my anger/hurt/disappointment in a certain porn star who ‘recently’ ‘retired’ after she went from  ‘So-Smoking-Hot-She-Can-Make-A-Ballerina-Bi’ to ‘MY EYES! MY EYES!’

END NOTE.

Er…

I’m just busy n burnt out. Will be posting again sometime soon once I get the motivation.

1 Bad sex is bad sex. Period, end of story. Don’t stick around after the second or third romp to see if it gets any better. Red flag. BIG red flag.

2. (Demon) Children: I will never, ever be caught dating a dude w/kids ever again. For obvious reasons.

3. Ex/Intimacy issues: Recently found myself with six months wasted on a guy who opened up part way then slammed shut like a heretic reading the bible. Not worth it. Better off walking away when you clearly recognize shit three months before coming to this conclusion. Oh, and if you THINK something’s off with the sex, it probably is.

4. Food Phobias: I’m terrified of heights. I don’t like the dark. These are rational fears. My fear of midgets and birds is irrational. But MAYO?! Who the FUCK is afraid of MAYO?! Oh, and cutting the fat off bacon is a pretty big ‘anal retentive’ red flag too. Run. Away. You will never do anything right.

5. Naming inanimate objects: I named my shitty kidney Sequoia. As a joke. I did not name my car, my pussy or my favorite pair of shoes. I will never understand why guys feel the need to name their trucks, dicks or guns.

6. Cell phones in restaurants (or other public places): It’s pretty obvious if the person you are with talks on their cell phone while at dinner that they’re an inconsiderate fuckwad with no manners.

7. I have yet to encounter a worthwhile relationship based on first date sex. General rule of thumb: you fuck on the 1st date, game over. The real red flag here is if they call you afterwards. Dude, NO.

8. Mommy/Daddy issues: Run. As far. As you can. Away from that person.

9. Chronic Tardiness: See aforementioned cell phone etiquette.

10. Age. Generally, if you are…oh…say…22 and dating a 38 y/o…there’s something called a ‘midlife.’ They’re pretty obvious with their boats,bikes and other toys. Nothing more than a glorified booty call.

K, I have to get back to work now.

As some of my RL friends know, (John) there’s a cop around town who seems to have a frikken hard on for me. He’s constantly pulling me over for minor infractions and giving me hell for them. (I’m omitting his name due to the outcome of the complaint I’m gonna file, and the fact I WILL be contacting my attorney on Monday - I’m that fucking ripshit)

This past spring I was heading home from Nick’s house, and realized I was going the wrong way. So, being on Giddiah Hill at 1AM with no one around, I banged a U-turn.

And promptly got pulled over.

Here’s the gist of the conversation:

“Where you going?”
“My boyfriend’s house”
“At 1AM?”
Thinking it would be cute, I say something to the effect of boyfriends and booty calls striking at any time of the night.

He was not amused.

In fact, he seemed to find this benign comment truly offensive. And told me so. Then he began to claim my eyes looked glassy and bloodshot. Finally, he flat out asked me if I was stoned.

To which I laughed.

Blah blah blah…I convince him I’m not, and then he asks where my glasses were, since I’m suppose to be wearing them.
I reply, asking if he ever heard of contact lenses. So, I guess for such a flippant comment, he decided to write me up a citation for the illegal U-turn and ‘failure to wear corrective lenses’ or some shit like that.

Fight the citation and win.

Couple months ago, Mom and I went to The Slut for dinner, in which I had a beer with dinner. Officer Dickwad was parked across the street at the gas station. As I pulled out, he pulls me over. Tells me the following:

1) I’m going a little fast
2) am also swerving

Right. Now call me stupid, but he pulled me over next to Heaven Scent You, which is maybe a couple hundred YARDS away from the Slut.

So, he tells me why he’s pulling me over and asks for my license and registration, which I give him both. As he’s walking away, I mutter something like “Fucking pillow biter.”
Aaaaaaaaaand he heard me.
Comes back, totally reams me a new asshole, and tells me to get out of the car. Mind you, MY MOTHER IS WATCHING THIS from the Slut parking lot.
He says I’m drunk
I tell him I’m not
He tells me I reek like a bar room floor
I tell him I just had dinner with my 56 y/o mother, and ask why the HELL would I be get trashed on a Tuesday night with her?

Yada yada yada…I tell him if he wants to give me a full sobriety test, go right the fuck ahead. Might as well test me on the breathalyzer too. I’ll pass and he’ll look like an asshole.

Long story short, he gave me both.

This was ultimately humiliating for me since I’m constantly on everyone’s case about drunk driving. Ironically, about four people I knew, drove by and saw it all.
So, I pass, and go on my merry little way with yet another citation. The clerk at O-Town Courthouse and I are starting to get to know each other really well. She’s a sweetheart, and I like her. Anywho…

This morning, leaving the bird.
Take a RIGHT on 6A.
There’s a cop at Mobile about to turn left (is that an illegal turn??? I can’t remember…)

Down by Staples, I get pulled over for not using my blinker and a padiddle. Okay, the blinker, yea, I didn’t use it, but a headlight???
It’s 9AM.

Oh yea, same douchebag cop.

Trying to be nice, I say,
“We have got to stop meeting this way”
to which he replies,
“Oh we will once you lose your licence.”
Dude.

So I finally ask him what the hell his issue is, and does he know something I don’t. The last time I checked, I have no active record, haven’t skipped out on jury duty or associate with unsavory people.

No answer, comes back with a $50 citation for the lack of turn signal and faulty equipment (or some shit like that).

I want this asshole’s BALLS in a sling.

But feel like it.

Not dead dead dead dead dead.

I think I am going brain dead.

Or having a quarter life crisis.

Deeaaaaaaaaddddd……….God I need a pill…

In the meantime, heres a list of shit thats been royally pissing me off

1. My brother.

2. Politicians (what else is new)

3. People, more specifically, the retard I just wasted the past 4 or so months on. That ones gonna sting for a bit.

4. My asshole of an Ex. I think I have officially gone from being ‘over him’ to being ‘I want to fucking hurt you in the most inhumane ways possible’

5. My own lack of motivation.

6. Being clean sucks. I’m really quite fucking over this whole ‘One day at a time’ bullshit. Dude, really, someone needs to check me before I check myself. (I won’t be going back to my wicked ways though)

7. My RA. I think I’m on a permanent flare.

8. The fact that the location of my existence is depressing as fuck, as are the locals here.

9. Pakistan

10. Iraq

11. The fact that RoomMate is head over heels in love with someone and I am still fucking boy toys and coming up empty handed. (Gee, one might fucking think I would take a really close look at my life and change that)

12. John’s in Florida, and going to Cali, and I am stuck here in a financial fuck parade, unable to go to my best friends wedding, which I am in, or go spend a week with John in Florida.

13. Myspace

14. Facebook

15. Evil Spock

16. Did I mention the douche bag I just wasted X amount of time on? Oh yea, him.

17. Did I mention my douche bag of an Ex that I wasted like 4 1/2 years on? Oh yea him.

I’ll add to this list as the day goes on.

If I could say these things, I would. But I can’t and the retard doesn’t read this shit, so I’m pretty much free to do or say what I want when I want to.

Because I can.

I’m immature, so suck it America.

1. The sex was horrible. Boring,predictable, and totally void of all emotion. Kinda like you. I would have called an end to it earlier if you were not so fucking hot. Learn how to use that baby arm ya got sweetheart, it’s a fucking gift.

2. I really really really really hate David Lynch. Sorry, but Mulholland Drive bored the fucking hell out of me, and Lost Highway was pretentious and over board. If you want a disturbing movie, thats going to make you think watch fuckin Hard Candy.

3. Your attitude on life sucks. Quit complaining so fucking much. Life doesn’t suck that much, oh and while you’re at it, why don’t you fucking invest in one? It’s kinda passing you by.]

4. Transformers wasn’t that great, get use to the rape of your childhood, it’s called Hollywood.

Now, what I have said to a certain someone, and I know he reads this, so fuck you honey love, ask me one more time what I want to do with the shit I have in storage, and I’m going to pop the tires on your fucking wheel chair.

1. The whole ‘Demon Woman from the Ninth Circle of Hell’ comment, was actually a fucking compliment. Thank you.

2. I’m glad you stayed with me as long as you did. Just makes me a little bit more happy in the fact that the last year or so of our relationship, you were as unhappy as I was.

3. I never liked the way you cooked steak. If I wanted to chew on rubber, I’d suck on a condom.

4. Yes, for a time being, I did love my BMW a whole lot more than I loved you. It went vrooooooooooooooom. You didn’t. You went. Soft.

5. Oh, and speaking of which,

1. I was faking it for two years

2. It DID bother me, and it’s NOT normal.

6. I hated that doorstop. It was ugly, and tacky.

OK, I’m done now.