A Blog By Me

To those who have plugged me recently. And now, if you will excuse me, I have some fruit flies to kill

I’m sure we have all heard about the chicks who were “discriminated” against on SW. I have a small message for you two retards.

Congrats. You two are now officially the laughing stock of the web.

(Be sure to read those comments, pure awesomeness)

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go drown my insecurities in a shit ton of ice cream, because, well, you all know, that I am writing this post out of sheer jealousy since these girls are sooooo much prettier than I am.

The next time someone over the age of fucking 50 bitches about how “old” they are and how “things don’t work they way they use to” take a fucking second and imagine you’re twentyfuckingtwo and have RA which keeps you in bed when the pain gets bad enough.

So, the next time you decide to bitch and moan about how fucking old you are, think of it this way.

You fucking earned the creaks and the aches and the pain. They didn’t come before their time.

So shut the fuck up already.

This is what I woke up to this morning. This will keep me out of work. This will cost me a serious amount on my next (and already small, thanks to part time) pay check. This will cost me work tomorrow because I have to shovel this shit out, and won’t be able to walk the following day. (There is actually a considerable amount of snow here. The dirt is from a sander that backed in my driveway)

Am I in a shitty mood?

No.

I’m livid.

Everyone I know has got the “one that got away”….Mine is, or was my best friend, Freak Boy.

Somehow, this retard has always been there for me….. when Ex and I split, he was there, telling me all those things that friends are suppose to say, he took countess punches, bites, and kicks to the shins, and always let me know how “special” I was. As in

“Angry, you took a nose dive into the stupid tree and hit every branch coming down. And THEN you fell into the stupid puddle.”

And he always let me know how much I meant to him. To everyone…..

Freak Boy and I tried to have our thing, but for whatever reason, I ran as far away from him and what he had to offer like an anorexic running away from a  Italian sub dripping in calories.  It really killed me to do it, I knew I wasn’t ready for it, and I was just plain scared.

That was a couple years ago. I’ve known him since I was about 14. I don’t wanna say I do….But he’s always in the back of my mind, with a pitchfork, waiting to stab my optical nerves when he gets bored.

yea, I’ve got it bad for this asshole, and I always have.

So.

Lesson learned here kiddies

1. Don’t date your best friends

2. Don’t date your best friends when they live in Portland ME, and you live 3 hrs away from them.

3. Do not fall in love with your best friend. If you feel so inclined, find the nearest cliff, and jump off it…. Head first.

Theres no misery like watching someone you love happy in love with someone that is not you. They either need to be with you, alone, or dead.

Now I know how a couple guys feel…..

ast night I had dinner with someone I’ve known for almost ten years, but for whatever reason we fell out of touch. I hate catching up – always feel like I must cram the last five years of my life into a neat, tidy 12-sentence description of what actually happened. That aside, said friend is making a wonderful life for himself: he owns some sort of logging company (much like Beast’s BF), has a family and all that happy horseshit.

While we’re catching up, an acquaintance from middle school saw us sitting in the far corner of the restaurant and came over to say hello. (For some stupid reason, Friend and I never really liked her, and she knows it).

Backstory

Back in middle school we had clubs, like most. There was one club called “Roots and Shoots.” From what I remember, it was an eco-friendly community service type club. (Dumb Bitch was somehow in charge of it. Maybe this was because she was the tallest in the class, or the smartest - either way, she the head cheese. Umm…right, where was I…oh yeah, so the club plants trees, picks up trash, shit like that.

I remember there was some hullabaloo about Proctor & Gamble testing their products on animals. Now, I’ve always been against animal testing, so was more than happy to commit my time (please, I was in middle school & had a few more years to then discover the wonders of drugs) to this cause. I think we raised about a thousand dollars though regular middle school means.

That is, by hitting up our ‘rents, selling cookies and similar stupid shit.

So, the club raises this money, then Dumb Bitch turns around and says we’re now donating the money to Proctor & fucking Gamble so they can find ways to test products on something other than fuzzy white bunnies. Of course, we all recognized the painfully obvious issue with this.

1. Proctor & Gamble was (and still is) a huge multi-billion dollar company. A thousand dollars isn’t gonna do jack shit to change their mind.

2. The money could have easily gone to a company that was eco-friendly.

I don’t remember the outcome, but do recall a teacher stepping in to take control. Dumb Bitch’s ‘rents got ripshit, and a huge debacle followed. Can’t remember the rest. I do know it kinda divided the school. (FYI: I went to a tree hugging charter school run by a bunch of old hippies…no wonder I turned out this way!).

Right, so fast forward 10 years to last night. Dumb Bitch walks over, and we do chit chat. She’s going to Vassar and doing god knows what (probably something pretentious and expensive). She asks what I’m up to. I tell her about my little existence, and she says something like:

“Oh, EMT? I guess you didn’t get that scholarship you were up for in high school?”

I smile, say no and ask how her brother is. (I de-flowered him, and now he’s gay. In a sick way, I’m VERY proud of that. Not sure why, tho).

She then turns to Friend, asking him what he’s doing. He briefly explains his company, and this consternated look crosses her face. She then says sternly:

“So, let me get this straight, you rape the Earth for a living? And you’re PROUD of that? How will you feel when your kids’ grandkids don’t have anything left on this Earth anymore?”

This was only the beginning. She pressed on with her rant…

Friend finally cuts her off

“Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past 10-20 years, you must already know for every tree I cut down, we plant twenty more. And unless you WALK everywhere, then you’d already know where the gas in your tank comes from. And, tell me, did YOU go down to New Orleans after Katrina? What the fuck have YOU done to make any small impact?”

I nearly pissed myself laughing.

(Guess after Katrina hit, Friend went down there for something, and then returned to help build houses - good for him).

He then comments on not wanting heartburn to follow his meal, therefore abruptly excusing her from the conversation. She leaves, then he looks at me and says,

“There were about a BILLION other things I’ve wanted to tell her, but guess they’ll have to wait. Do you want dessert?”

That’s what I call a full dinner.

BTW, LeapingBunny.org is a very helpful site for cruelty-free beauty crap, household products and other shit like that (and condoms!). So, there’s my eco-friendly plug for the day. You can thank me later…

IT’S PRI’S B DAY! WISH THAT BITCH A HAPPY! 

Even though she hasn’t written shit on her blog in eternity…..

Now. Like I mean it or I’ll find out where ya’ll live and put sugar in your gas tanks.

What do you do WHEN

Ya fuckin some dude, and right before he busts he asks you to call him “Jennifer”

Do you

A) Call him “Jennifer” and don’t think anything of it. People have kinks right?

B) Laugh you ass off, finish up, and get the hell out of there

C) Call him “Nancy”

D) Stop everything, look the dude in the eye and say “ExCUSE me?!” Throw your clothes on, and get the hell out of there.

Guess what I did. (Hint, I didn’t call him Nancy)

This shits leavin a bad taste in my mouth

Maybe I should smoke another cigarette

These are the nights I need to take my pills

Pop pop pop another pill.

God

Gnuuugh.

I really need to start drinking again.

bad.