Per Post. PMS, Stress, Boyfriends and Midol****Rantamble****
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I’m not sure if it is just plain stress, or if PMS has something to due with it (I’m not exactly what one would call emotionally stable when I’m about to rag………) but I honestly can’t get out of my own fucking way these days. I’ve been hitting up meetings left and right, and I sit there with this buzzing in my ears and a weight on my chest. I had an anxiety attack on my way to work this morning, and the nightmares have been keeping me up for the past week, regardless of sleeping pills. I’m trying to calm myself down and tell myself not to worry about the car, money, or looking for another place to live, but the thoughts just won’t sit still. I’m tired, I’m over worked, underpaid, and getting very fucking resentful at everyone. The ones that deserve it, hell, they deserve it. Boss Man for not paying me more to do my job, the RMZ, my rents, etc. But I’m starting to take it out on people who don’t deserve it, like Slick, my sister, my friends. My girl Tot called me a couple nights ago to go out, I bit her head off saying she knows how broke I am, why would she ask me to go out blah blah blah. She hung up on me, after she told me to take a pill. Which is what I did. I feel horrible about acting so sullen when I really have nothing to be so pissy about….part of the shit thats been going though my head also is the fact that I keep doing the same literal shit over and fucking over again, like dating a guy in the military….We were e-mailing back and forth this early am, and the subject came up yet again
” I think my situation is the most advantageous because you’ve been exposed to the military lifestyle and know what to expect. A lot of others think they know, but have no idea…….”
I’m just sitting there staring at the screen of my mac, and just groan. Yea, I have been, and it fucking sucked then, and it sucks now. I know what to expect, and I know all too well that feeling of swinging from calender day to the next, waiting for them to come home, and spend a few short days together, only to do it all over again. Not to mention that little nagging doubt and fact that sits in the back of your mind knowing that accidents do fucking happen, and they could get hurt………I just sucks that we end up missing each other more than we actually get to see each other. I should write a fucking book on how to date/marry men in the military. And how to fail at both with an unimaginable amount of grace and energy.
Eh, the things we do for love.
Thursday, May 15, 2008 at
I was having similar thoughts about finding a place, money, etc. early last week. Then I realized something: we can only do so much. You likely did everything possible to remedy your scenario in all its aspects. Therefore, you’ve reached the physical limits of your influence upon the outcome. So, the next step is to sit back & allow everything to work out the way its supposed to.
In essence, it’s getting out of your own way.
As for James, that’s another issue entirely. I’m not qualified to dispense advice on love anyway, especially since I’m still trying to clear karma w/you-know-who & move the fuck on after all this time…
Hope something helpful gleams in all that horseshit.
Thursday, May 15, 2008 at
You know, you’re so fucking right, theres only so much I can do, only so many times I can obsessively check CL for places, and count my hours and do all that math. I really don’t have any control over it and that is what bothers me the most is I don’t have any control. I’ll find out tomorrow about a respective place back on Outer with Beast, until then, I’m just going to be a cracky hot mess. As far as shit w James, I’m not too worried about it, it’s just that I see so many parallels between what went down with Josh and what is going on with him…..it’s that whole control thing. He was right, i did it before, and I know what to expect. I’m not that same person I was the first time around, and I know how to deal with the insecurities with this type of relationship now.
I guess all I have to do is Let go and Let God. Whatever the fuck that shit means.
Thursday, May 15, 2008 at
What I’ve observed over time is this: mastery in life is the opposite of control. It’s really one of my few keys to maintaining sanity. You’ll be okay, Anj - I guess we all will (eventually).
Thursday, May 15, 2008 at
Ok, now you lost me.
Thursday, May 15, 2008 at
Remember how you said you hate not being in control? That’s what I mean - releasing that imaginary sense of control we all think we have. If you let Life work out the details, things often fall into place quite nicely w/little stress or effort.
Make sense?
Friday, May 16, 2008 at
Well, suddenly I feel like the elephant in the room…
Friday, May 16, 2008 at
you’re the personification of that treatment center bullshit about “living crisis to crisis”. Quit it.
Friday, May 16, 2008 at
ya, i’ll get right on that dude