A Blog By Me

Listen to your doctor. Regardless of what you may think, they do know more than you.

I want some yogurt, my bed, and my mommy.

Sorry Dukes.

Operation Termination, Day 13

Last night prior to leaving I increased the stores alarm sensitivity to its highest setting. If Boss Man (or anyone else for that matter) opens the front door hard enough, the alarm will go off, along with people leaning on the glass windows out front. Any jarring of the glass will trigger the alarm. Spoke briefly with him a short time ago and he made no mention of it going off so I’m not sure if it worked. Not feeling all that great today, so I’m not sure if I should leave the alarm as it is, or do something else. Thinking of fucking with the light bulbs in the chandeliers, unscrewing them enough where there isn’t a connection, but that involves getting up on a ladder and unscrewing 30 some odd light bulbs. May have to wait until I’m feeling a little better.

Any ideas? (that won’t get me arrested.)

The more fucked up this world gets, the more I wonder why I even get out of bed in the morning. Aside to pay my bills in a timely manner.

• Write a six-word memoir.
• Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
• Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere .
• Tag 5 more blogs with links .
• Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

Beartwinsmom tagged me.

My third grade teacher was wrong.

Bitch fuckin LIED! She said I could do anything I put my mind to!

Well then lovey loo, heres a list of shit I CAN NOT DO!

1. Fly

I stopped trying about the age of 14

2. Walk though walls

On occasion, I still try to accomplish such a foolish feat. It usually involves copious amounts of alcohol, very little sleep, and running in the dark. Or running around blindfolded. My sister and I used to play hide and go seek while one of us was blindfolded. Now we do it when she’s stoned outta her mind and I’ve had a glass or two.

3. Hold my breath until l pass out.

I’ve never be able to do this. No matter how hard I try. And as God as my witness, I’ve tried my damnedest. So I usually (used to) just relied on drinking until I black out. Close enough.

Alright.

James

Tits

Maggie

MBoy

Mister Books (brooksie books)

You’re up!

Was out back with Boss Man watering some flowers.

Looked down at the hose in my hand.

Looked at the back of Boss Mans head

Looked down at the hose in my hand

Took aim

70% accuracy my ass.

That shit was dead  on

Walking back to the office, he returned fire.

Now I look like a drowned rat.

A little while ago (and I’m sure you’ve all heard about this by now) there were reports of a lost tribe found in South America. Personally, I thought it was pretty humbling, and a bit hopeful that there were still broad aspects of the human race still unknown to us in modern times. People seem to take comfort in the fact that so much of this world has already been discovered, (and eventually exploited for profit) and use that sense of accomplishment to make us feel not so tiny in such a big bad universe. With all the headway science has made (like this, dude, my body does that?!) and all the new species being discovered and named, it was pretty amazing for me to think that there was an entire people (population, whatever) that had never been seen before, let alone talked about.

Reading yahoobuzz this morning, this was the first article to pop up and catch my eye. That kinda pissed me off. Being lied to by the media, or lying to the media, in this case, is pretty inexcusable, regardless of the intention. Preserving our natural resources are one thing, we’re all pretty aware that the Earth is pretty sick with pollution. Over the course of the years though industrial revolutions, inventions, and basic human needs, we’ve quite obviously put ourselves in a bit of a predicament. Asthma, cancer, forms of COPD and countless other diseases are a direct result of contaminating the earth. Like, I’m not gonna get up on some soap box and write about how many millions of pounds of waste can be recycled, or harp on a country for how many plastic bags are used on a weekly basis, but really, c’mon dude, there are better ways of bringing attention to a cause than lying about it.

But I’m kinda wondering, did it work? Is it going to make any impact on logging policies in South America? This tribe obviously exists-as well as many others, and have laws protecting them from us, but are those laws going to continue to protect them as people become more and more dependent on natural resources? We’re all trying to find alternative replacements for the ones we use today, but populations continue to grow and in the wake of trying to find these replacements, we’re becoming more and more dependent on them. Ehhh, I duno..Fuck it. Part of me is a little annoyed by this, and another part of me gives the dude major kudos for putting his reputation on the line for this.

Operation Termination-Day 11

Refused to answer Boss Man unless he called me “Her Majesty.” Clucked like a chicken whenever he asked me a question.

Also.

Today is my 2 year. Yay for me. I think some drinking is in order.

Received a verbal reprimand regarding the desktop. Boss Man described it as “disturbing, obscene, and cruel.” Questioned my emotional and mental stability. He then told me to go floss, as I had salad stuck in my teeth. Punishment involved cleaning the toilet and sink, washing the front windows of the store with newspaper and vinegar water. (I’m partial to parsley cleaner, it smells nice)

Retaliation: Changed into a reveling top, no bra. Boss Man asked me to go put on a bra due to the fact my nipple rings were visible. Argued with him, told him my tits were too sore due to PMS. Compromised on wearing a tank top underneath said reveling top. Bitched about being hot all day.

But I find my situation a little ironic. People are getting laid off left and right, unemployment rates are sky high, the country is in the shitter (not going, we’re in, Say hello to that log floating by you…And I’m not making light of the floods either…) and I can not get my ass fired.

I am trying to get fired. Short of stealing shit, I’m doing everything in my power to have my employment terminated. Which involves:

• blatantly surfing the web, blogging, and gchatting while on the clock.
• talking on my cell phone in front of Boss Man
• Abusing my authority over the Russians, making them do the stupidest shit like

1. alphabetizing the CD’s out back, as well as the tapes.
2. Weeding out the bricks back out behind the store (where no one can see them)
3. Conditioning all the leather wallets in the store (my old manager made me do this once, hated that cunt, I put gum under her door handle of her truck. So I felt kinda bad about making them do that. Made it up to them after, gave them both hour long lunches)
4. Clean out my car.
5. Clean out the key boards on both computers with q-tips and vinegar
6. Color code all the vendor logs and magazines, even though they are all alphabetized

• Listen to my ipod at work, usually Kittie, Godhead, Manson, Incubus, Theory Of a Deadman, cOld etc.
• Leaving the store (and both Russians alone) to go on 20 minute walks up and down Main
• Smoking in my office (this got me a mild reprimand a couple days ago, key word, mild)
• Showing up early, not opening the store until 30 minutes past whatever time I am suppose to open.
• Being exceptionally rude to the customers who are American, and bending over backwards for those who are not. In front of said Americans
• Telling regular customers they should shop online at Zappos.com for their shoes or sending them to our direct competition a couple towns away
• Watching movies on sidereel.com
• Not bothering to clear my history after surfing the web, not removing any downloads from the desk top. Boss Man checks the history daily to make sure I’m not neglecting my duties in the store. So far, he hasn’t really said anything, only asked what rotten.com was. (Click the link, you know you want to)

Thats what I have been up to for the past week. Boss Man has taken slight notice of a couple of the things, and even made a couple compliments re: how organized everything is and how clean the store is. And I am taking all the fucking credit, even though I spend most of my 9 or 10 hr days doing jack shit.

The Russians seem to be taking it all in stride, since no one is shopping there isn’t much else to do around here except for surf the web, or clean. I’ll admit, the whole car cleaning thing, that was a little over the top, as well as the whole weeding thing, and I felt a little guilty after, but had to remind myself that it was better for the girls to be outside in the sun rather than sitting around bored all day at work. So, their benefiting too from this.

My mother asked me why I didn’t just quit.

Because that would involve taking a pro active role in my life Mother, and we both know I’m kinda lazy.

Plus, this shit is fun as hell.

Friday, I worked the day in my p.js. Saturday, I didn’t wear a bra to work and put this as the downstairs computers desktop. I had a tough time deciding if the top half of her torso was more or less offending than the bottom half. Decided on the latter.

We’ll see what kinda stupid shit next week brings.

Google is my friend.

“How to perform an appendectomy”

(via yahoo)

“You will need at least two very sharp straight blades. And more than kitchen utensils. Needles, Thread and a staple gun couldn’t hurt.

Cutting out the appendix without perforating the bowel and dying of shock is almost easy. Hard is getting all those layers sewed up so that they will heal in some sort of non-Frankenstein fashion.”

I wasn’t able to find anything useful on how to perform open heart surgery on yourself.

However, here is a illustrated guide on how to “circumcise” yourself.

In light of the fact that most of the shit I have been writing about either involves me bitching and moaning or depressing shit. Here we go.Just a little reminder to myself and all you that the world isn’t as suck ass as we would all like to think  (Images found via knuttz.net)